Loving Your Spouse

Loving Your Spouse

Ephesians 5:25–33 “ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”
Ecclesiastes 9:9 Enjoy life with the wife whom you love all the days of your fleeting life…” Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from Yahweh.”
Proverbs 19:14 “House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife is from Yahweh.” 

Well, today we continue our series on love and we come to a topic that is the plot of a large percentage of the movies and books that are written; romantic love.  We are specifically talking about loving your spouse. We began 4 weeks ago by talking about loving God with all the heart, soul, mind, and strength. Then we looked at loving parents. Last week we looked at loving children. And now today we come to one of the most intimate, personal, and life-shaping relationships God created: loving your spouse.

Marriage is one of the greatest gifts God has given to humanity. Before government existed, before nations existed, before church structures existed, God created marriage. In the Garden of Eden, before sin entered the world, God looked at Adam and said: “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Genesis 2:18. And God created Eve, brought her to Adam and joined them together in the first marriage in history.

So, marriage is not merely a social contract or an official designation of the state. It is not merely a legal arrangement. It is not merely romantic companionship. Marriage is a covenant designed by God Himself from the foundation of the world.

It is a very important covenant relationship.  So much so, that Christ describes His relationship to the Church as a marriage.  And because marriage is so important, Satan attacks it relentlessly. He attacks its definition as between a man and a woman for life. He attacks its purpose, to bring glory to God. He attacks its importance. He attacks it’s design for bringing fulfillment and love.

We know that Satan attacks marriage because we have seen and sometimes personally experienced the shattered and charred remains of the battlefield haven’t we?

Some people have beautiful experiences in marriage. Others carry deep pain. Some grew up in homes where husband and wife loved one another faithfully. Others grew up around bitterness, yelling, coldness, manipulation, adultery, abandonment, or divorce.

But because we see so many marriages fail, because we rarely see the best examples of marriage that exemplify Christ loving the Church, do we give up on it?  No, we continue to hold it up as God’s design; One man and one woman, committed first to God in Christ, and second to each other, in a lifelong union of love and submission.

So again, today we are going to look at loving your spouse.  And we will follow the same pattern we have used in this series. There is the command to love your spouse. There is the warning if you fail. And there is blessing if you succeed.

Prayer

I.                   The Command to Love Your Spouse

There are commands in Scripture to love your spouse.

Titus 2:3-4 3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4 so that they may instruct the young women in sensibility: to love their husbands, to love their children,

But of course, the clearest command in Scripture to love your spouse is found in Ephesians 5.

Ephesians 5:25, 28-29, 33 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 

33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she [o]respects her husband.

Now before we even begin breaking this down, notice the standard. The husband is not commanded merely to “be nice” to his wife. He is commanded to love her.  And he is not only commanded to love her, but to love her the way that Christ loved the church.

Who is the Church?

Now remember that the church is the invisible, Universal Church. It is comprised of those called from the foundation of the world. It is comprised of those who come to true repentance and faith who will persevere in the faith. They will persevere because he gave them the down payment on salvation of the Holy Spirit. They cannot be snatched out of his hand. The Church is that collection of individuals across the world and down through time who came to Christ in repentance and true faith. 

So, how did Christ love the church?

He loved it sacrificially.  He gave up every moment of his earthly life in preparing the church. He died specifically to save the church. He loved it patiently, faithfully, tenderly, protectively, forgivingly, and unconditionally. There was nothing that the church could do to make Him divorce or abandon her.

And notice this: Christ loved the church when the church was undeserving. It wasn’t even as though she used to be perfect. Romans 5 says: “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

And that’s how spouses are to love each other.  Biblical marital love is not based merely on performance or feelings. It is covenant love.

And again, just like with children and parents, Scripture defines what that love looks like.

There are five major elements to loving your spouse biblically: Leave and cleave, Serve sacrificially, Remain faithful, Speak with grace and honor, Lead one another toward God.  Let’s walk through them.

First: Leave and Cleave

The first command in Scripture regarding the marriage relationship is found in Genesis 2:24 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”

Leave and cleave. Marriage creates a new primary earthly relationship with your spouse. This person takes priority, even over parents. Now to leave parents does not mean you stop loving parents. It does not mean you dishonor family. But it does mean that your spouse becomes your first earthly priority.

And the word “cleave” means “to cling to.”  It carries the idea of being glued together. Permanently bonded. Marriage is not designed by God as a temporary arrangement.  This is why we should never treat this relationship as a casual union. 

Human beings are relational by design, created with a deep longing to be fully known and fully loved. While friendships and family relationships are valuable, marriage uniquely allows two people to share complete emotional, spiritual, physical, and personal intimacy. Psychologically, people are wired to seek secure attachment—to know that someone sees them completely, accepts them, and remains committed to them. This is why marriage can feel both beautiful and vulnerable, because true intimacy exposes weaknesses, fears, failures, and insecurities that people often hide from the world. Deep within us is a desire for someone to know the “real” person beneath the surface and still choose to stay, which is why rejection in close relationships can hurt so profoundly at the deepest level of the human heart.

That is why we continually emphasize great care in seeking this most intimate of relationships.  Because it can bring great joy and fulfillment, but it can also bring great pain. 

You are to leave and cleave; cling to that person, be glued to that person.

That is why Jesus said in Matthew 19:6 “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Sadly, that is not how the modern world treats marriage.  They treat it as disposable. It’s like the French fries in the fast-food combo. We pull up to the drive through.  We are hungry.  We want our needs and desires met.  So, we order a sandwich.  Then they ask that question. Do you want fries with that?

This is how marriage is treated in our society today.  I want my need for companionship and intimacy met.  But then someone says, “Would you like marriage with that?  No I don’t feel like fries today , maybe later I will, or I won’t. Then if we do marry later, and the fries get cold and soggy, we say, “this isn’t what I bought.”  And we throw them out.

Scripture treats marriage as lifelong covenant that shouldn’t be entered into or cast aside lightly.

Second: Serve Sacrificially

Ephesians 5:25 again says: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Christ loved through sacrifice. Biblical marriage is not built on asking: “What am I getting?” It is built on asking: “How can I serve?”

How do we define service? We go to a restaurant, and we usually rate the place based on three things; food, ambiance, and service. Food was great. Atmosphere was fantastic. But the service stunk. What do we mean when we say that the service stunk? We mean that our wants and needs weren’t met. They didn’t greet me, they were rude, they didn’t seat me quickly enough. They didn’t get to my order or drinks quick enough. They didn’t get the food out to us quick enough. They didn’t fill our drinks. The order was wrong. We had to wait 15 minutes to get our ticket. In other words, “that waiter didn’t seem to be thinking of me at all.”  “It was as though he forgot about us, or worse, didn’t care about us, or was even avoiding us.”

That is what it means to serve your spouse.  You think about them and their needs. 

Philippians 2 “Do nothing from selfish ambition or vain glory, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.”

This is the design of a perfect marriage. Both spouses saying “after you.”  Both spouses considering the other in finances, scheduling, family gatherings, child-rearing, and plans. 

It sounds like a recipe for becoming someone’s galley slave.  No. Because when we say that you attend to your spouses needs, that doesn’t necessarily mean we always attend to what they are asking for.  Let me show you some verses.

Romans 15:2 “Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.”
That idea of “for his good” is important. Biblical love is not enabling sin, foolishness, or harmful behavior. It seeks what builds the other person up.

Proverbs 27:6 “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.”
Even correction and firmness can be expressions of love.  Serving your spouse in love can mean lovingly addressing sin.

Paul says in Ephesians 5:21 “Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.”
We submit to one another, but it is “in the fear of Christ.” That means that our submission and service to the other person is 2nd in importance to our submission to Christ.  And Christ would not want us to support someone with our behavior, who is enslaved to sin, or who is abusive.  He would want us to serve them by seeking their good; freedom from enslavement and abusiveness.

Likewise, Scripture teaches that love seeks the welfare of the other person:

“Love does not seek its own…” — 1 Corinthians 13:5

A biblical marriage is two people continually asking, “How can I help my spouse become healthier, holier, stronger, and closer to Christ?” Sometimes that means yielding to their preferences. Sometimes it means sacrificial leadership. Sometimes it means gentle confrontation. But in every case, it means loving the other person enough to seek their true good rather than merely your own comfort.

That means that marriage is not easy. Sometimes marriage is deeply joyful. Sometimes it is exhausting. Sometimes it requires patience beyond what you think you possess. There are seasons of sickness, Financial stress, Miscommunication, Disappointment, Aging, Loss, Sin and Failure.  But in those moments, sacrificial love matters most.

You know, one of the greatest lies in our culture is the idea that “love” and “feelings” are always identical. Feelings rise and fall. Biblical love remains faithful even when feelings fluctuate. That does not make marriage cold. Quite the opposite. Faithful covenant love creates deep affection over time.

Third: Remain Faithful

Hebrews 13:4 says: “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled.”

Here we are speaking of faithfulness in intimacy.  Faithfulness matters to God. Proverbs repeatedly warns about adultery because adultery destroys trust, intimacy, families, and souls.

Now when people think about faithfulness, they usually think only physically. But marital faithfulness is larger than that. It includes emotional faithfulness. Mental faithfulness.
Relational faithfulness.

Jesus said: Matthew 5:28 “Everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

This tells us that faithfulness is not just physical, but that it begins in the mind.  And the ideal of marriage is a union of a man and woman at all levels.  The physical intimacy is like a metaphor for all of the intimacy.  You have become vulnerable maximally with this person; physically, mentally, spiritually.  The marriage becomes the place where you know you can open up yourself completely, and will still be loved. 

Another verse: Proverbs 5 says: “Rejoice in the wife of your youth.”

The word “rejoice” here is much deeper than simply “be happy” or “have fun.”

The context is important. Proverbs 5 is contrasting two paths: the destructive path of sexual sin and the blessed path of covenant faithfulness in marriage. Solomon is not merely saying, “Stay out of trouble.” He is calling a husband to actively delight in, cherish, and treasure his wife.

The Hebrew word translated “rejoice” carries the idea of joyful delight, gladness, celebration, and finding deep satisfaction in someone. This is not merely physical attraction, though the passage certainly includes sexual intimacy. It is the idea of a man joyfully enjoying the covenant relationship God has given him.

It is commanding positive affection, not mere duty. Marriage is not presented as a cold obligation, but as a relationship to be enjoyed. The imagery of “fountain,” “well,” and “streams of water” in verses 15–18 points to refreshment, life, satisfaction, exclusivity, and blessing. The husband is being told to find his joy at home rather than looking elsewhere for excitement or fulfillment.

God’s design is not merely avoiding adultery. It is cultivating joyful faithfulness.

Biblical love keeps investing. Keeps communicating. Keeps pursuing closeness. It doesn’t settle and say, “well this is just the way it is.”

You might say, “I wish.”  What if my marriage is just one sided?  Let’s get real.  No person is perfect.  No marriage is perfect.  And of course, some are very far from perfect.  What do you do?  Let me show you a passage from Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians.  He was addressing the issue of people who were married to unbelievers.

“But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.”
1 Corinthians 7:12–13

I believe that the principle here is as it has been with every kind of love that we have studied.  We can’t control anyone else but ourselves.  You can’t control your spouse.  You can’t make them come to Christ, or be a better spouse.  You can only do your part. 

Paul continues:

“For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband…”
— 1 Corinthians 7:14

What does “the unbelieving” being sanctified by the believing mean?  They are set apart. Because you are a believer in that home, God is watching over that house.  And since they are your spouse, the care for you spills over to caring for them.  So, be the best example and influence you can be in your home. 

But then:

“Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not enslaved in such cases, but God has called us to peace.”
— 1 Corinthians 7:15

If they leave you, you are free.  And I believe this means that you are free to remarry.  Until then you are to remain faithful.

Fourth: Speak with Grace and Honor

Colossians 3:19 says: “Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.”

The Greek word “not embittered”  carries the idea of becoming harsh, resentful, sharp, irritated, bitter in spirit, or emotionally hardened toward someone.

1 Peter 3:7 says husbands are to live with their wives “in an understanding way” and show them honor.

The phrase “in an understanding way” means that a husband is to live with his wife according to knowledge, wisdom, discernment, and thoughtful consideration. The idea is much deeper than merely “knowing facts” about her. It means a husband is to thoughtfully study, understand, and respond to his wife with care, sensitivity, wisdom, and spiritual maturity.

And Ephesians 4:29 says: “Let no corrupt word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification.”

The key word is “corrupt.” The Greek word literally means rotten, decayed, spoiled, or worthless. It was used of rotten fruit, spoiled fish, or something decomposing and unfit for use. Paul is painting a vivid picture: some speech is spiritually rotten. Instead of giving life, it spreads decay.

So a “corrupt word” is not limited merely to profanity or vulgarity. It includes any kind of speech that tears down rather than builds up.

That can include: harsh or abusive words, sarcasm meant to wound, insults, gossip, slander, bitter speech, manipulative words, constant criticism, lying, filthy speech, angry outbursts, humiliating comments, and destructive negativity.

Words shape all relationships.  And words shape marriages. You can build your spouse up or tear them down.

Some marriages are damaged less by huge events and more by years of sarcasm, criticism, contempt, coldness, disrespect, or bitterness.

Now again, this does not mean that we avoid all negatives in our words.  Biblical love speaks truth, but speaks it graciously.

But one of the great dangers in marriage is familiarity without gratitude. Over time spouses can begin noticing only flaws. The laundry not done. The bills. The stress. The weaknesses.
The habits that irritate us. And eventually some people speak more kindly to strangers than to their spouse.

But biblical love honors. It says thank you. It encourages. It listens. It apologizes. It forgives.

Proverbs 12:18 says: “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

“The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, But the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.” — Proverbs 10:11

“The lips of the righteous feed many, But fools die for lack of heart.” — Proverbs 10:21

“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” — Ephesians 4:29

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, graciously forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has graciously forgiven you.”
— Ephesians 4:31–32

Your words can wound your marriage or heal it.

Fifth: Lead One Another Toward God

This is the highest purpose of Christian marriage. Marriage is not ultimately about personal fulfillment. It is about glorifying God together. Ephesians 5 teaches that marriage is actually a picture of Christ and the church. That means marriage is meant to display the gospel. Husbands are called to lead spiritually with humility and sacrifice. Wives are called to support and strengthen the home with godliness and wisdom. Together they are to help one another grow spiritually.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 says: “A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” The strongest marriages are not merely husband and wife holding onto each other. They are husband and wife both holding onto Christ.

Now practically, what does this look like? Praying together. Worshiping together. Reading Scripture together. Encouraging one another spiritually. Forgiving as Christ forgave you.
Helping each other fight sin. Pointing each other back to truth.

And honestly, one of the greatest blessings in life is having a spouse who strengthens your walk with God instead of weakening it.

II. The Warning: Failure to Love Your Spouse Brings Destruction

Marriage is either nurtured or neglected. There is no neutral.

Galatians 6:7 says: “Whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.” A marriage starved of love, patience, faithfulness, forgiveness, and godliness will eventually fracture.

Proverbs 21:9 says: “It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” Proverbs also speaks about anger, bitterness, adultery, and foolishness destroying homes.

And Ephesians warns husbands specifically that failure to love rightly damages even their spiritual lives. 1 Peter 3:7 says husbands are to honor their wives: “So that your prayers will not be hindered.”

That is serious. God cares deeply how spouses treat one another. Now let me say carefully: not every broken marriage is the fault of both people equally. Scripture recognizes betrayal, hardness of heart, abandonment, and sin. But every believer is responsible before God for how they love.

III. The Blessing: Loving Your Spouse Brings Joy, Stability, and Picture of Christ

Proverbs 5:18 says: “Rejoice in the wife of your youth.”

Ecclesiastes 9:9 says: “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love all the days of your fleeting life.”

There is joy in faithful marriage. There is companionship. Shared memories. Shared burdens. Shared victories. Shared spiritual growth. A godly marriage becomes a refuge in a broken world. Proverbs 14:1 says: “The wise woman builds her house.”

And Psalm 128 describes the blessing of a God-fearing home: “Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine within your house.”

Strong marriages also bless children, churches, and future generations. And most importantly, a godly marriage displays the gospel itself. Faithful covenant love reflects Christ. Forgiveness reflects Christ. Sacrifice reflects Christ. Enduring commitment reflects Christ.